By investigative journalist Fooey McPoobar:
SANTA BARABARA, CA - A once sleepy little Funk-zone office is now the center of worldwide attention due to a recent spike in use of the powerful narcotic, colloquially known as, "Cup-o-Noodle."
Police Sargent, Jimminy McTicket has been monitoring the situation for some time and has released this report: "We can trace the surge of noodle abuse in the last few weeks to a number of causes, the most important being the alliance between the previously warring Calderón and 'Gente Nueva' cartels. This has increased supply to the streets and lowered the inital caplital investment to become a Noodle dealer. Even old Sally McPoopants now has the doue to start pushing smack on the corners of Santa Barbara."
Cup-o-Noodle exerts a powerful effect on its users. "I need my Cuppy Cup first thing when I'ze walk up," says Paul Elliott a resident of the Garden Offramp. "After that I don'z car'ze about nuthin cuze I be chasing the soy-sauce dragon." When asked how he supports his habit he responded: "I suck penis."
The epidemic levels of Cup-o-Noodle use has prompted intense study by the DEA's leading scientists. Dr. Xio-ping has performed a detailed bio-spectro-analysis and has identifed the primary phycoactive chemical. "Its the MSG," says Dr. Xio-ping. The Chinese have known about the psychoactive properties of the substance for centuries and it played an important roll in the world wide popularization of Chinese food during the 1960s. Unfortunately, MSG has been linked to Brain Cavities.
The average Cup on the street today is 10 times more potent than in the 1960's.
As Cup-o-Noodle use continues to climb with no end in sight, policy makers struggle to cobble together a strategy. "We need to attack the source of the problem," says Senitor Bloombomb, "the criminal empire of dirt poor yet entrapuneral immigrants who sell these dangerous noodles must be stopped, for our children's sake. We must launch a war aganst noodles of all kinds." Mr. Bloombomb has introduced a new bill to the senate known as the MaryKate and Ashly Noodle War bill that is expected to garner support from both sides of the aisle. A group known as Pasta-in-a-Cup Patiants (PCP) are lobbying against the bill on the grounds that it will deny noodles from invalids who use noodles to assuage their Common Cold symptoms. PCP says they will continue to distribute noodles from "Cup Clubs" accross the country to patients in need.
Cup-o-Noodle has certainly made a major impact on American culture with the worst yet to come. This reporter can only hope that Jehovah the Almighty will smite the foreigners so that the quality of our bodily fluids is maintained.